My "usual suspects" are either traveling or already partying in the new year, so I'm tossing this out there. Anybody up for giving a short-short a quick once-over?

It's Doctor Who genfic, about 550 words. Mostly I need to know if it makes sense, but also if I'm making Jack sound too British, oddly enough. (I don't even know what to call that. Reverse Brit-pick?) It's for the spoiler_song One Night of Writing, so I have until midnight PST, hence the "quick" part of the request.

Pretty please with cinnamon sugar on top?

ETA: I think I'm covered! Thanks!